This is MY Life!!

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I HAVE HAD AN EPIPHANY!

A light has come on.

When my husband abandoned our marriage, he went overseas. I was left with the business to run. I felt that I could not walk away from it. At the time, I was in the midst of all the personal angst surrounding the separation and I had not had time to process what had happened. I had not had time to fathom out what I needed or what I wanted to do with my life. Now I have. The business carries a risk. I am no longer comfortable to carry that on my own. So, at the stroke of midnight, I have pulled away from our draft settlement and it is back to the table for further discussions.

If you have never had an epiphany, it is a strange experience. For me it occurred when visiting my mother. Full of angst about the signing of our marital agreement and what I was taking on, I looked up at the sky. Light was breaking through from behind storm clouds and a strong yet simple realisation dawned on me. I still had a choice. This was my epiphany.

While I had not yet fully worked out what I do want to do with my life, I had worked out what I do not want to do and be.

I am not Mrs Fix-it anymore.

I need to begin to think of me and what is right for me going forward.

This Is My Life
as performed by Shirley Bassey

Funny, how a lonely day
Can make a person say
What good is my life

Funny, how a breaking heart
Can make me start to say
What good is my life

Funny, how I often seem To think
I’ll find another dream
In my life

Till I look around and see
This great big world is part of me
And my life

This is my life, today, tomorrow
Love will come and find me
But that’s the way that I was born to be
This is me,
this is me

This is my life
and I don’t Give a damn for lost emotions
I’ve such a lot of love,
I’ve got to give
Let me live,
let me live

Sometime when I feel afraid
I think of what a mess I’ve made
Of my life

Crying over my mistakes
Forgetting all the breaks
I’ve had In my life

I was put on earth to be
A part of this great world is me
And my life

Guess I’ll just add up the score
And count the things I’m grateful for
In my life

This is my life, today, tomorrow
Love will come and find me
But that’s the way that I was born to be
This is me,
this is me

This is my life
and I don’t Give a damn for lost emotions
I’ve such a lot of love,
I’ve got to give
Let me live,
let me live

This is my life
This is my life
This is my life

My needs #6. I need to be needed

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I have an in built urge to help people.
To assist people in need.
To enable people to do their best.

As a child
I was the one who stayed inside with my friend when she was laid up with a leg injury.
I was the one who walked behind with the disabled girl, when the others charged ahead.
I helped others with their school assignments.

As a wife and mother
I put my heart and soul into helping my children do their very best.
I supported my husband in many projects and in his work.

As a friend and co-worker
I was the supporter for friends and neighbors with their own children.
I became the leader in business, helping others reach their potential.

I really really miss having my children around, and of them needing me.
I miss the nurturing role that I had in my former career.
I miss being needed.

Still, I am proud of who I am and what I have achieved.

There is another, less positive side to this trait.

Fixing problems.

Puzzle

I am Mrs Fixit

In my marriage, my husband was always the one with the grand idea and then we would work and accomplish things together and have fun along the way. Then there would be, for him, the next exciting project to begin and build on. Meanwhile, the original project still needed maintaining or “fixing” whether that be maintenance in an investment property, or appliances that required repair, or bills and loans that still needed paying. And sometimes when things did not quite work out, it was me who worked a way out of our predicament.

That was my job. Fixing.

Picking up the broom and sweeping up the mess.

Fixing is draining.

There is no glamorous reward or a sense of achievement and accomplishment.
No accolades or thank-yous.

Do I want to continue to be Mrs Fix-it?
Do I need this?

Or do I want and need a different role going forward, one that brings out my former nurturing instincts and makes me feel good about myself?

That is the question I ask myself today.

That is the big question I am asking myself today for my life of tomorrows.

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You may also wish to read:
Staying Strong by Ian Munro @ Leading Essentially
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Friends Image courtesy [adamr] / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Puzzle Image courtesy [renith krishnan] / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

My needs # 5. Meaningful projects.

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ID-100145605At any crossroad in life, it is inevitable to question the meaning and purpose of your life.

When life is sailing along fine, it is easy to find the answers. You make your own choices in a meaningful life by engaging in a grand plan for the greater good, or simply being the very best you can be. You can choose to find meaning in your work, the right amount of space for leisure, and of having fulfilling relationships.

A life crisis or trauma can shatter all that. The ‘meaning of life’ takes a jolt. In my case, what I thought my life was suddenly wasn’t. I had lost control and was denied the choice of where my life was heading. I felt my future had been stolen.

Most of my driving force throughout my life had been preparation for the future. When the future became today, I planned for another future. So I sought and achieved a good education, took immense pleasure in seeing my children grow and succeed, looked ahead and planned for a secure retirement. I was always looking ahead. Suddenly in the calamity of my separation, I worried and became anxious about the future.

Life for me lost its meaning and purpose; and my ability to plan for the future disintegrated.. Yet having meaning in life and a plan for the future is a major driving force of survival. What can be done when seemingly this had taken away? My solution through this calamity, has been to stop focussing on the big picture of finding a meaningful ‘life’; and to instead focus on the here and now of today, by finding meaningful ‘projects’. Projects that are rewarding, stimulating, and fulfilling. When I was in the depths of this crisis, in survival mode, I still needed a reason for getting out of bed, for putting one foot in front of the other. Meaningful projects became the answer for me, to find some reason for beginning each day, and to be able to say at the end of the day “I did that, and I feel proud of what I did”.

In the beginning, finding a project for an hour helped me survive; then gradually projects that would take a day; then a week. Now I am able to think a month or two ahead and start planning forward.

My focus initially not only became my daily routines and getting on with them, but also finding meaning in them, and being grateful for the simple aspects of them. It now seems funny to think that one day I took pride in hanging the washing out on the line as the sun was beating warmly on my back. Never before had I ever felt that hanging the washing out could hold any meaning or purpose for me, yet that particular day it did. It gave me something to do. Likewise, I made a ‘project’ of spring-cleaning the house; and then refurbishing and adapting the house to suit me. I was proud of how it looked when I finished. Currently I have given myself a project of getting my photos in order.

I turn to the magnificence of the meaning of each day. I marvel every day at the sunrise and nature all around me. I take great pleasure in taking walks in nature. Life may be difficult, but there are still moments that offer joy, peace, calm – and meaning.

I have become absorbed in discovering ‘me’. I have made it a project. I am exploring not only my own beliefs and philosophies; but also that of others. I research each aspect in depth and explore its meaning. I have become interested in poetry, biographies and music. I learn and explore on these themes every day.

Finally, I have been writing all about this, in my journal, in my blogging. Writing about it has become rewarding and fulfilling, especially the feedback from others.

Eventually I know that I will find and return to a higher life purpose. Meanwhile, as life goes on I am finding these smaller projects, whilst seemingly not ‘my life purpose’, do give my life meaning. They are stimulating. They are fulfilling. They are giving me back control. Most importantly, my need for continual learning and growth is being met.

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Image courtesy [gubgib] / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

My needs # 4. Connections

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“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”
― Brené Brown

A need is something we require, yet we only feel its need when it is missing. If there is a need not being filled, we can feel anxious, stressed or depressed.

When my husband first left me, there was a gaping hole of where he used to be in my life. Gone were our daily interactions, our deep soul connection, the sharing of discussions and projects, sharing our past and dreams for the future. Gone was my significant other. It was a huge sense of loss and something I thought could never be replaced.

In my initial loneliness, getting out and trying to mix with people made me worse. I would see other couples doing things that we used to do together that now I was doing alone, albeit with a group, and there would be an ache inside of me. Trying to commit to too many people in an effort to form connections overwhelmed me. After a while I withdrew and became passive. This made me confront my solitude head on. I made friends with myself and became contended with my solitude. From that point I slowly branched out to others.

As time went on I realised my husband had previously provided many types of connections to me not simply that of spouse, and he filled in the gaps during life changes or when others drifted out of my life. It is possible for some of these to be provided by avenues other than a life partner. There has been the gradual connections with others to provide this since he left.The large emptiness that initially existed has gradually been filled by other people in my life, slowly step by step, including:

  1. Social connections.
    I relate to people on a day-to-day basis by interacting at work, talking about what has been happening in my day, and upcoming events. Even small-talk interactions with people who attend to me when shopping etc is filling this need for daily connections.
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  2. Stable connections.
    This is having people I feel ‘home’ with, people who know me, understand me, care for me and accept me for who I am. I have returned to my roots for this connection with my mother, siblings and close friends; as well as with my own children.
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  3. Meaningful Relationships.
    I feel I have been connecting more with people. I am forming deeper bonds, getting to know people deep inside, and having them get to know me. I am interacting more one on one with a few key people, rather than having many friends at a superficial level. This gives me greater satisfaction of forming a meaningful relationship.
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    There are some remaining gaps in my needs.
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  4. Intellectual Connections. My husband was my intellectual equal. We connected strongly on discussions and projects that stimulated and interested me socially, intellectually, and in community involvement. This is currently missing from my life. The intellectual gap has been filled to some degree by my blogging friends, and meaningful discussions with my family.
    For social involvement and interactions, I will in time join a community interest group or become involved in a broader humanitarian project.
    I am also craving support on business and financial issues and am aiming to get assistance on these.
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  5. Significant Other.
    I have lost forever my soul-mate and life partner, that one special person who cared for me and me for him above all others; sharing tender endearments; past history; present moments; and dreams for the future. I do not say I will never find another, however, it could never be the same as sharing forty years. That is gone forever. I accept that. I have grieved for that loss. I have processed this and it is no longer a need.

After filling our basic needs for comfort, stability and security, we all need human connections. These can be provided in many ways. For me, the hole of my missing need for connections is gradually filling. In time, I believe there will be enough over for me to start giving back.
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Image courtesy [Photostock] / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

My needs # 3. Financial security

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houseandmoney

A need is something that you feel anxious about if you do not have it. Once you have it the pain goes away. The gaping hole in my life where my financial security used to be has caused me much gut-wrenching anxiety in the past 18 months.

Yet no-body, including myself, wants to talk about money.

People spend a lot of time talking about what can be bought with money but not the money itself. People will discuss their travel, clothes, gadgets, houses, and cars. However, they do not discuss much about the money itself or where it comes from or how to get it or how much you need. In fact, in some circles a discussion on money is taboo. It is almost as if you are thought less of a person if you discuss money; and that thinking about money, or the lack of it, it is not a prized value to have.

After my separation, I initially spent a long-time focussing on emotional aspects of losing my partner and soul-mate, my fractured family unit, and the pain of the overwhelming grief, sadness and anxiety I felt about my changed life. Then during my recovering phase I spent some time re-evaluating my values, beliefs and attitudes of trust, kindness, compassion, hope, peace, courage etc No where amongst all that was there anything to do with money.

Part of that relates to the guilt of putting any importance on money. In the very beginning after a separation, when you are faced with abandonment, you do not care a toss about any material possession. There is a cathartic realisation that none of that matters. What matters is people and love and care and kindness. So months later when you start becoming very anxious about your changed financial affairs, you remember back that you concluded that money does not matter, and you feel guilty that now you think that maybe it does.

The truth is that even though we all do not want to talk about it, we all do need it in some form or another, and the changed money situation after a divorce can be catastrophic. I am not talking about greed, such as having innumerable world trips or accumulating beautiful things, I am talking about survival. Having adequate funds so that you can pay the bank debt or house mortgage or rent, pay for utilities, afford good medical care, be able to afford to see your family, then maybe having just a little left over for some savings. But above all, there is the need for some reassurance that what you now have will also not be lost, that this ‘less than half of the former estate’ will not somehow disappear by some other catastrophe.

I know that the values of human kindness and compassion are important. I understand that true happiness lies in seeking out long-lasting experiences of savouring pleasant moments, being grateful for what I have, and seeking out human connections. However, I also do crave that one day I will again own my own home debt-free, that I will be able to comfortably pay my bills on time, that I will have no credit card debt, and that I will be able to put away so that I will have adequate retirement savings for me to enjoy a financial-stress-free old age.

Maybe when that time comes, the anxiety at the pit of my stomach will ease.

I have added “Financial Security” to the list of my own fundamental needs.

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Image courtesy [Stuart Miles] / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

My needs # 2. Stability

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house and family

I crave normality.

When I was in what I thought was a committed caring marriage, my sense of stability and security was that relationship and all that went with it – my home, my life companion, my secure finances, my rock of support, my sense of purpose. Even when I took a break from routine, by travelling or trying different things, it was both rewarding and exciting. That is because the feeling of security and stability went with me everywhere. It was an ingrained feeling deep inside of me, an inner core of happiness that I carried around with me. No matter where I went, what I did, or whatever adversities befell me; I felt safe and secure.

After my marriage collapsed, that was all gone. I felt unsafe, insecure, broken, worthless, and utterly violated by the act of abandonment. I felt I had lost control over all aspects of my life. I was left inside a fragile shell of my former self.
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Since that day, my home has become my sanctuary and I have relied heavily on routine and order in my immediate space to provide me with a feeling of comfort and security. My home has become my protection. Routine and order have become the props that have helped me regain the feeling that I have some predictability to my life. They are things in my life that I can control.
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So I live in 2 worlds.
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The first is the world of my dramatic changed life circumstances, that I am slowly addressing, but knowing not far below the surface chaos and turmoil still remain supreme. As a result I often still use the technique of dissociation from my circumstances to absent myself from the pain. I do this by living in my second world.
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My second world is my day-to-day world of calm quiet routine and order. Living in the quiet moments of watching the sunrise, going for a daily walk, writing, and enjoying the wonders of today and all its beauty. To a degree, in that environment I have slowly healed and I feel secure. However, take away the routine, take away the order; and my feelings of security unravel in an instant.
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The first time I realised that was when I visited my son in Canada a year ago. Although I had been looking forward to seeing him, for the first week I was thrown into a tailspin of feeling anxious and unsettled. I had been thrown into the unfamiliar. My props were gone – my home, my routine, my sense of place. I was craving the basic level of human needs of comfort and security. After a few days I did get into a little daily routine and I cocooned myself with the basic needs of food, shelter, warmth, security, companionship albeit that I was now in a different environment.
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More recently I found the same thing happened when I visited my daughter for the Easter long weekend in Canberra. I needed the first day to orientate myself, and develop my sense of place, before I could relax and enjoy seeing her and join with her doing a few different exciting things.
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I have also noticed that I am over-reacting to any thing that goes wrong. I go through feelings of anxiety and panic over little things that would previously never have bothered me. I instantly think “Oh dear, what now?”
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In that regard, I am craving a sense of normality, that life again will return to order and calm in my ‘big-picture’ world as well as my somewhat artificial daily world so that I can truly cope again with life and all its ups and downs. Or that my logic brain “it really will be all right” will eventually win over my crushed soul.
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I have a current need for a sense of stability, comfort and security:
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I need calm
I need a sense of place
I need routine
I need order
I need predictability
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Image courtesy of [Smarnad]: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

My needs # 1. Good health

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I mentioned in my previous post how I struggled focussing on my needs as I felt firstly I have responsibilities. What was missing was feeling I was important enough to focus on my needs as a priority, and that in itself should be one of my responsibilities.

The sudden ending of my marriage put me in a state of crisis. I was thrown into a survival mind-set of fulfilling basic needs because everything else was gone. I shut down to the present moment and lived one painful agonizing hour at a time – wake, walk, shower, dress, work, shop, cook, eat, house duties, sleep – going through the motions of life like a zombie. Breathing became a top priority for me – it meant I was alive.

After a few weeks, I had moved a small step forward – planning ahead a few hours at a time. One day I thought about making soup, shopped for ingredients, cooked, and ate the soup, savouring each mouthful as a friend. A few months later my world expanded to a day at a time with a daily routine of rising to watch the sunrise, writing in my journal, following a healthy diet and doing some regular walking as exercise. Although still looking at basic needs, I was living healthily and happily – one day at a time.

Then came the big freeze, the slow painful process of grieving for my past, and facing the anxiety-filled reality of my changed future. There were months of swirling through intense emotions, drifting in and out of hope and despair, only able to focus on one thing – my feelings. My earlier healthy routine slipped away. Down in the black pit, letting exercise go for a day, eating incorrect foods once in a while or over-eating…suddenly it did not matter. What mattered was getting through the day – surviving.

You can get away with things for a day, or two, or three. Then gradually, one day at a time, you slowly lose your fitness, put on weight, clog your arteries, put your heart and kidneys under stress. You do not continue to get away with it. To turn that around you need to think more than a day ahead. You need to think twenty years ahead. This is a monumental step. In my old age…….I want to see my grand-children’s children……. I want to be active enough to still climb stairs…. I want to be able to look after myself.

To do that, I need to think of myself, I have to feel I am worth it.

Focussing for a while on my values, my beliefs and my attitudes, has given me a better sense of confidence and feeling of self-worth. Now I am in a better place. …..I know I am important…..I am worth looking after….. worth caring for.

I need to take care of myself.
I need to remain active.
I need to be healthy.

These are my needs for me and my future healthy happiness.
Fulfilling those needs will become my responsibility.

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Image courtesy of [Digitalart] / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

My needs. Introduction

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“We never understand how little we need in this world until we know the loss of it” James M Barrie

Bread

Human Needs

Human needs are described as “the elements required for survival and normal mental and physical health”. Psychologists sometimes list needs in groups such as basic needs (food, shelter, security); connections (companionship, intimacy); and higher needs (self-esteem, contribution). Needs are distinguished from wants as a deficiency causes a negative outcome. Moreover, you never realise that you require needs, until you do not have them. Then the ache sets in.

It has been reasoned that at a time of crisis, such as after an earthquake, people’s needs return to basics – for food, water, shelter. At those times there is little need for intellectual stimulation, education, or meaningful projects to fill their time.

The ending of a marriage is similar to a crisis or trauma, especially if it is unexpected, sudden and beyond your control. It rocks the very foundation of your life and threatens everything you ever had including your self-esteem, family, companionship; and emotional and financial security. Your fundamental needs of security, trust, and having some control over your own destiny, are destroyed in an instant. As everything comes crashing down, to cope and survive you cocoon yourself by returning to the basics of life – living in the moment of waking, eating, walking, and the comfort and security of a warm bed at night. You are thrown into a survival mind-set of fulfilling basic needs because everything else is gone.

My needs

In the weeks after my husband’s announcement, I felt as if there was nothing left. I became overwhelmed by the intensity of the emotions I was feeling. Almost as if a hurricane had hit me, scrambling from underneath the rubble of my former life, I walked around in a daze going through the motions of life like a zombie. Soon I protected myself by reclaiming some order in my everyday life by reestablishing my immediate space and following a fairly regimented daily routine. There I was to remain for many months before I could slowly begin rebuilding my life from the ground up – physically, emotionally and financially.

I read that ‘divorce is an opportunity to explore your own needs, wants and likes’. In the early days I tried to write down my needs and it drew a blank. It was thirty weeks before I was able to list my basic need for order and routine. It was nearly a year before I could list any higher level need such as a need to do meaningful projects. Yet the ache remained.

One of the reasons I found it difficult to list my needs, was the fact that I felt that I had become the discarded consequence of another person’s supposed ‘needs’ having taken precedence over everything else: the family unit, past history, dreams for the future, shared children and grand-children, responsibility, values and beliefs.

I did not agree with the concept that because I had been forsaken, that I should abandon my own fundamental beliefs, values and responsibilities for an over-riding selfish ‘need’. I needed (yes that became one of my needs) to firstly re-affirm my own core values and beliefs; and choose positive attitudes and responses to my life situation. I believed those would then underpin my own needs and guide me towards my responsibilities, aims and goals.

For example; as I affirmed my values include trust, care, dependability, and integrity; then I do not ‘need’ a companion for the sake of companionship if those values are compromised. Those values underpin my needs. Similarly, if I remain an optimistic person with a ‘can-do’ attitude; then I do not ‘need’ to be provided for.

With a now affirmed inner core of values, beliefs and attitudes; and a layer of calm strengthening my resolve; I am set to move out to my external world. The first place I shall begin is with myself, and my own needs, which I shall explore over my next series of posts.

Gradually I will reclaim those needs, take control of my life back, fulfill my responsibilities, set my goals and plans, and march forward.

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Image courtesy of [Grant Cochrane] / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Coming Home to Calm

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I thought it was timely to reflect at how far I had come along my self-professed journey of ‘Transforming My Life From We to We’ as today marks eighteen months since my husband left me.

The first part of my journey was the emotional ending of ‘we’; which encompassed emotional upheaval, organising the physical chaos, learning to live alone, mourning what had been lost; then finally letting go and accepting myself as a complete individual, rather than half of a couple. In tandem with that – and not yet over – has been the traumatic legal ending of ‘we’ by divorce, a drawn-out process that has kept me in a constant limbo-land of neither being ‘we’ nor ‘me’ and unable to completely move on. I am pleased to write that this week documents have been sent for us to sign off on our property settlement. One more cloud lifted.

During my journey of ending ‘we’, I have stopped at times to savour the special moments of the day, to reflect on all I have to be grateful for, and for what I have learned.

The next part of my journey has been a rediscovery of my self. This began as a quiet reflection of who and what I am that I cannot change (being a woman, the age I am, and having my own personality); and then beginning thoughts on those things about myself that I could change if I wanted to. I deliberately took some time to reflect on those inner parts of me that I would strive to keep, change or let go of. The starting point of that reflection has been a close examination and affirmation of my inner core of values, beliefs and attitudes. As I reaffirmed these, I determined that I would never lose that part of myself, my inner core that makes me who I am.

As I progressed along my journey there was the gradual realisation that I could not necessarily let go of some parts of me that I wanted to let go of, even if I wanted to. Some thoughts and feelings that keep resurfacing. Some weaknesses that remain. I thought to move forward after an adversity, you had to keep strong and you had to stop thinking negative thoughts. What I have learned is that you can move on despite those thoughts and feelings. I have learned that  there will always be two parts of me. One part of me will remain sad about the past, anxious and fearful for the future, with little confidence in my ability to cope or create a path forward. That side of me keeps saying ‘you can’t do this!’. The other part of me is hopeful, optimistic, confident; and will sit, plan and prioritise. That voice keeps saying ‘yes you can’.

As I begin planning my way from my inner self into the outer world, readying myself to stride forward, today I know there will always be those two parts of my inner core. I now accept my two inner parts.

Today, the strong defiant one, so determined to succeed, is taking the weaker softer one by the hand, and saying – ‘Come with me, we can do this together. Together we can move forward, together we can go home. And at home there will be peace and there will be calm’.

Artist: Phillip Phillips

“Home”

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m gonna make this place your home
Settle down, it’ll all be clear
Don’t pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home
Ooo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo. oo-oo-oo-oo [x2]
Aaa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa. aa-aa-aa-aaaaaa [x2]
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