Week One – Pain
I coped by shutting down and living my life one hour at a time. How could I come to grips with what had happened? It is not easy to pick oneself up after 36 years of marriage and accept that it is over. Your marriage is everything; your heart, your soul, your soul-mate, your family, your work, your drive, your reason for getting up in the morning with hope in your heart. And it is gone. All gone in an instant. The tears started to flow and became a torrent that would not stop. All the time voices tried to get into my head reliving the past, thinking of our plans for the future. I shut them out. I could not cope. The past was too painful. Yesterday they were happy memories, now they are too sad. I could not go there. Our future – my future – had been stolen. What was to become of me now? I became anxious about the future. I shut it out. Only the present was safe. Only the present was real. So I stayed in the present – one painful hour at a time. Wake, walk, work, shop, cook, eat, house duties, sleep – going through the motions of life like a zombie.
Breathing became a top priority for me – it meant I was alive.