Week 28 – The second wave of pain

Six months into this divorce process and I was hit with the reality of our lost retirement plans. The financial security we would have had together that now had to be divided into less than half as costs and more costs and even more costs were added in ….or rather taken off. There was this unknown factor of starting over all by myself and whether that could be done at all. I was 58 and there were few years left for me to make it all work out.

Then the pain came again.

No-one told me about this second wave of pain. I have never read about this second wave of pain. There was firstly the emotional side; the human side; the airy-fairy living in la-la-land side. And then there was reality. I had put off thinking about reality. It was like a second grief process and it was hitting me right in the eyes. This second wave of grief began washing over me and in my scrambled brain I realized it was all the same emotions – the same stages to go through. The shock at the harsh reality of the figures – the anger at being put in this position by the one I had loved most – the yearning for a secure retirement that we would have had but now did not – the depression of wondering how I would survive, how I would manage – and the pain, the excruciating pain…….it was back again. And I am swimming now, swimming, swimming, and swimming. I am in this raging current again and unable to reach the shore. Once again, I yearn for the past. Once again, I fear the future. Once again I cannot cope in yesterday or tomorrow. Once again I survive by blocking them out. Once again I survive by living in the moment, in today.

Once again, I am sitting watching the sunrise. It does not let me down. Once again, it is magnificent.

18 thoughts on “Week 28 – The second wave of pain

  1. pain and loss are weird that way eh?? You think you’re done and then it comes back…something triggers it, reality sets in, you’re alone and have too much time to think………..

  2. And there are days when all we can ask of ourselves is to breathe…all answers don’t present themselves when we seek them, all currents don’t abate as we struggle to keep moving forward…and then perhaps we have to tread water for a little while, and just breathe..

  3. Isn’t it weird how the pain just comes out of nowhere? How it seems to just sucker punch us in the gut when we are at our most vulnerable? It totally stinks. I’m sorry that this is so hard for you. I hope that it gets better for you as the days go by. You’re strong enough, I know, to make it, even if the future isn’t what you thought it would be.

  4. Sometimes it’s two steps forward and then one backward, and then the pattern repeats. Difficult as it may seem, accepting the reality that sudden and deep change has arrived is essential for healing. It’s natural to grieve over loss, but it’s not constructive. If I were you, I’d concentrate on what you will do with what you have; start planning your own future now, think about yourself and what activities make you happy, be selfish for awhile, let the others temporarily fend for themselves, nourish your basic interests. You’ll grow beyond this difficulty, you know you will, it’s just a question of when. So instead of rubbing salt into your wounds, rinse them, treat them with the right medication, keep them clean and bandaged, get some sunshine in your life, travel, start a second blog on another subject, do anything to get your mind thinking positive thoughts again. That’s certainly your best course. Excuse me for giving my two bits of advice. I know I’m not you, but like your other friends, we all want to know that you are smiling and happy once again.

    • Thanks so much for taking the time to write such a long comment. It means a lot to know you care and believe in me. I HAVE taken it on board. Shaken me up a little bit (in a positive way). Trying to wade through the molasses part of all this and “accepting the reality of the change” and I suppose thinking there had been progress and then it suddenly hits with a blow as to how many parts of what you were and what you had, had changed. Differnt angles. So you think you have got to the point of accepting one aspect – the emotional side – and then you are hit with the reality of another – the practical side. And I had been blocking that out. Once I get my head around that then, Yes I will “Concentrate on what you will do with what you have”. Great words of wisdom. And my next post – week 29 – kindness – is for you (and all my other fellow bloggers) who have sent me positive and kind messages today and every day. Thanks 🙂

  5. I agree with whitt88. Please be kind to yourself, and do things that take care of YOU. I know how hard divorce can be, and I know firsthand all the work it takes to get through it. Rely on friends and family to help you too, if possible. Life will get better. Hugs!

  6. Hang in there… one baby step at a time.. one breath at a time.. but you’ll wade through this too. I’m learning that the more closely I listen to what my heart says and what my mind thinks and how my soul feels, the less likely I am to get caught up in these emotional storms. I find it easier now to say that yes I am depressed. Or I feel like crying. I am more inclined to allow myself solitude to sort out the thoughts in my head or the storm in my heart and I am far more likely to come out of it faster now than before. Wish you speed in this journey and God’s company to hold you in His palm while you deal with things.

  7. Pingback: Week 36 – Recipe for a bigger divorce pie | Almost Spring

  8. *Thank you* for all the encouragement and telling about the “second wave” of pain. I didn’t know what to call this or what to do. Now I’ve got to check out your divorce pie and keep breathing and treading water and yes, God’s company gets me through too. So glad to have found you all!

    • Thanks for your comments. I think the second wave regarding the finances is harder than the emotional pain. There is a lot of self-help advice available regarding the emotional aspects and people out there to lean on but not so for the financial aspects. So it can a very lonely place. I have found facing it has been the most difficult aspect and yet at the same time empowering. Once I faced it, I could begin to deal with it. Then that point was the start of winning back control of my own life.

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