Week 35 – Mixed emotions

“Your present circumstances don’t determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start” Nido Qubein

Week 35 –

I returned home after visiting my son in Canada – sad to leave him again, yet happy that he was in a contented place in his life – daunted by the long journey required to visit him again, yet excited by the prospect of returning next year.

I spent some time with my family – mother, siblings, best friend, children  – on the way back before returning home. This was a very mixed stirring time for me. It was great spending time with my close people to soothe and protect me, to help me off-load and pick-up. However, it made me confront the feelings of the losses I was suffering. I had to watch others in early retirement  together in a world that I would now never know. I had to see other couples giving support to each other over life’s milestones, over daily trivialities sharing life together. I had to listen to others discuss their own retirement plans without a mountain of financial stress to climb as I had. I was happy to see everyone and I enjoyed their company but I was still raw from the losses I had to confront in my own situation. I had had four weeks with the company of others but now it was time to confront the harsh reality of my own aloneness and sorting out the financial settlement with my husband. This is what I now faced. This is what i had been running away from metaphorically by ‘living in today’ and in ‘actuality‘ by disappearing the past month. Running away from it was not going to make it go away.

I had had time to do some soul-searching while I was away and it had given me a chance to think of me for myself and my self-reflection journey. It gave me a taste of what life could be once I had come out of my metamorphosis. I started my blogging in earnest while I was in Canada and now back home I was beginning to publish the posts. It gave me the confidence to reinvent myself and to keep going. When I returned home my body clock took a while to adjust to the different time zone so even though there were some day-time crash-out periods I gained some ‘night-time’ awake sessions that enabled me to find the time to write in the small hours of the morning or late at night. I kept writing. It helped me put in words what it was I had to face, what had happened, and to begin to deal with it rather than blocking it out. ……….

My husband had left me.

I came home with a new resolution of accepting and facing my situation and dealing with the whole of the fall-out instead of trying to skip over the difficult bits. The next few weeks would be significant turning points in my journey as I faced my life situation full on.

” The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one.” Mark Twain

9 thoughts on “Week 35 – Mixed emotions

  1. I struggle with the “building a life” with someone concept. I think what really happens is that you’ve been building a life yourself that is strong enough to withstand someone knocking all their bricks out.

    • You have a talent for metaphors that are so spot on! That is certainly what it feels like sometimes, sitting in amongst the rubble, shivering in the cold hoping you have enough inner warmth and strength to survive through to spring.

      • Hi Elizabeth…Overwhelmed happens frequently after my late-life unexpected divorce after many years of marriage (my ex re-married 10 months later)….*Thank you* for being honest about sobbing at the airport and for the “survivor” music. The other day I was thinking–late-life divorce– with children grown and scattered after years of “wife and mother” —it feels like being taken out of context, doesn’t it? *Thank you* so much for helping us find “new context” here. Now God has become my “context.” It gets lonely, but God’s there, keeping me in context and I sob many times. *Thank you again.*

      • Thanks for opening up to me. It really helps to know that I am not the only one out there, feeling as I do. Thanks for sharing and I hope that we may keep in touch. 🙂

  2. Elizabeth…you are *not alone* and *your blog is a godsend* which I found while out searching one more day for new context…when I sob for my adult children for spiritual reasons or any reason…it hurts *worse* to know their dad is not involved…there is no “praying together” for children or anything else….That’s not meant to sound judging…it just feels so alone and scary sometimes…maybe we can pray for our children here. *Thank you again* for being real and a “safe place” to express all this. I also hope we keep in touch:)

    • Thanks for your kind comments and, yes, it would be good to keep in touch. It helps to know i am not alone and there are others in similar situations. The sharing by others of what they do to get through the tough times is a comfort to me. Thanks for stopping by.

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