Week 37 – Letting go

Week 37 – 01 June 2012

Last weekend my husband and I had a coffee and said good-bye.

I had previously written how after he left me my husband had wanted to remain friends. I was finding that difficult. Eventually I had told him that I could not, that he would have to let me go. The process of telling him of this involved detaching emotionally from him and disentangling myself from the coupledom we had had and the life we had shared. Over the following five months I learned through the children that he was finding lack of contact with me as a friend difficult and he pined for a last coffee with me. As he was due to leave for a 12 months stint wandering the globe and as I had healed to a degree, the week before he left – although too early in some ways for me – I agreed to that last coffee.

We met at the scheduled coffee shop and we were respectful of one another, whilst agreeing to disagree on some matters. It was, however, still very sad and there were tears all round. Then we said good-bye as a couple……. forever. Life would never be the same.

As I drove away I thought that maybe I was wrong. I was wrong to assume that he would want the happy-ever-after illusion like me because in the end it was just that – an illusion. I was wrong to assume that what I wanted – the growing old of two people, remembering together all the triumphs and tragedies, of sharing the children and grandchildren, of caring for one another and helping each other in their golden years, of going on new adventures together – I was wrong to assume that that was what he wanted too. I was wrong to assume that what we had was worth fighting for when he didn’t. I was wrong to assume that what we had had and what we could have in the future was worthwhile in order to save our marriage. I felt that it was. He chose otherwise. His choice. Not mine.

As I drove home, I accepted that my assumptions had been wrong. I let go of my assumptions. I let go of the illusions. I let go of us.

I returned home … alone again.

The day was strange for me because I thought that I would become overwhelmed with heart-breaking sadness and I did not. I readily busied myself and generally potted about. I made contact with my mother and some close friends and there was excitement in my voice as I spoke with them.

The pain was gone. That heavy ache that had been weighing me down had been lifted from my shoulders.

Is this closure?

Or is it freedom?

Later in the day I got stuck into some trivial domestic chores …….. and one thing I noticed

……..I was singing.

 

 

 

 

26 thoughts on “Week 37 – Letting go

  1. Hi Elizabeth. I’m so glad you were singing after this meeting with your ex. Sometimes I can sing. Other times I feel deeply sad that I can no longer chat with my ex. It’s a roller coaster, isn’t it ? Good luck as you continue this journey.

    • Thanks. I am not sure whether I was singing because I had seen and spoken to him finally (closure) or whether I knew that i did not have to for at least another year (freedom). you are correct. It a dilemma as to what our new long-term relationship will be.

  2. I have also been struggling with whether I can be friends with X. In my heart, I have wanted to but the reality is it may not be possible. Because he has such issues/problems, I never was able to say everything I needed to when we were breaking up because I was concerned about piling more stuff on his plate. I also let him get unfair advantage in the divorce because of that but it is now a problem. Now, I feel like I have to finally speak my truth if we are to really be friends–otherwise I’ll continue to have deep resentment–and yet doing so might put the nail in the cross and end all hope of friendship. My action/decision right now could mean a complete cutting away of a half-living vine and that scares the heck out of me.

    • I can relate yo your situation. I too held back and was never was able to make my voice heard (to him) because he was the one with the emotional issues and it was him that was actually falling apart (even though it was his choice to end our marriage). At the time I still cared too much to add to his problems and guilt by saying how I felt and how much pain I was in. At the time I felt I wanted to retain my own values, not behave in an angry fashion, not to inflame the conflicting situations that would arise. I never dried to his face or broke down to him in any way or fashion. I held back. You are correct that to ever be true friends, you need to be able to say how you feel, you need to put forth your own needs and have those needs respected. To become my friend he would have to give me enough respect to listen to me and to hear what I am saying. As that is probably asking too much of him, that is why I think and know in my heart that we can probably never ever truly be friends again. I am still pondering as what our future relationship may be instead.

      Best wishes to you in your journey. You have taken your blog off public viewing. I hope that all is going well for you. regards ….

      • Thank you for your insight. Yes, I did make my blog private but without any particular plan, yet, other than I needed to take a step back from it and figure out where I am going. I’m seriously focusing on setting a new direction in my career and finding work to break into the new direction. It requires all my attention at the moment. When I get a chance, I will send out invites to my existing followers to join the private group. Talk soon. Be well !

      • Always good to rest for a while and take stock before you get moving again. Good luck with your plans, or perhaps I should say ‘good focus’. Bye for now 🙂

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