Coming Home to Calm

I thought it was timely to reflect at how far I had come along my self-professed journey of ‘Transforming My Life From We to We’ as today marks eighteen months since my husband left me.

The first part of my journey was the emotional ending of ‘we’; which encompassed emotional upheaval, organising the physical chaos, learning to live alone, mourning what had been lost; then finally letting go and accepting myself as a complete individual, rather than half of a couple. In tandem with that – and not yet over – has been the traumatic legal ending of ‘we’ by divorce, a drawn-out process that has kept me in a constant limbo-land of neither being ‘we’ nor ‘me’ and unable to completely move on. I am pleased to write that this week documents have been sent for us to sign off on our property settlement. One more cloud lifted.

During my journey of ending ‘we’, I have stopped at times to savour the special moments of the day, to reflect on all I have to be grateful for, and for what I have learned.

The next part of my journey has been a rediscovery of my self. This began as a quiet reflection of who and what I am that I cannot change (being a woman, the age I am, and having my own personality); and then beginning thoughts on those things about myself that I could change if I wanted to. I deliberately took some time to reflect on those inner parts of me that I would strive to keep, change or let go of. The starting point of that reflection has been a close examination and affirmation of my inner core of values, beliefs and attitudes. As I reaffirmed these, I determined that I would never lose that part of myself, my inner core that makes me who I am.

As I progressed along my journey there was the gradual realisation that I could not necessarily let go of some parts of me that I wanted to let go of, even if I wanted to. Some thoughts and feelings that keep resurfacing. Some weaknesses that remain. I thought to move forward after an adversity, you had to keep strong and you had to stop thinking negative thoughts. What I have learned is that you can move on despite those thoughts and feelings. I have learned that  there will always be two parts of me. One part of me will remain sad about the past, anxious and fearful for the future, with little confidence in my ability to cope or create a path forward. That side of me keeps saying ‘you can’t do this!’. The other part of me is hopeful, optimistic, confident; and will sit, plan and prioritise. That voice keeps saying ‘yes you can’.

As I begin planning my way from my inner self into the outer world, readying myself to stride forward, today I know there will always be those two parts of my inner core. I now accept my two inner parts.

Today, the strong defiant one, so determined to succeed, is taking the weaker softer one by the hand, and saying – ‘Come with me, we can do this together. Together we can move forward, together we can go home. And at home there will be peace and there will be calm’.

Artist: Phillip Phillips

“Home”

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m gonna make this place your home
Settle down, it’ll all be clear
Don’t pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home
Ooo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo. oo-oo-oo-oo [x2]
Aaa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa. aa-aa-aa-aaaaaa [x2]
.


21 thoughts on “Coming Home to Calm

  1. This is really powerful Elizabeth – owning the parts of you that you cannot change and embracing change is a big deal – there’s a sense of quiet victory in it. I like the idea of taking along softer self. I have been in the place where the more tender parts of me had to hide behind the more protective parts – really they are both you and together they can move on.

    • That is correct. And sometimes when we go through a crisis we toughen up….. And maybe a bit too much. Yes, to take both halves through life is so important.
      Thanks for keeping in touch.

  2. Nice post Elizabeth. I like the recognition two me’s. I like to think of the “strong defiant one” as my essential self that leads my adapted self or “weaker softer me”. My essential self knows innately who I am and where I want to go and show the fearful parts of my adapted self that it is safe to go to these new places.

  3. Your being on the brink of completing the property settlement must be a huge sigh of relief! When my house is sold in North Carolina you will hear my huge sigh from the other side of the world!

    But no matter where you or I are, it’s the journey that counts. Your willingness to take all your feelings with you is what will guide you.

    • Well, “complete the property settlement” simply means the signing part. It will still be a long way to go before complete calm, as I begin the trudge through coping with much depleted financial resources. However, it is a relief that I can finally (almost) at least get some control back.

      I do hope your house sale eventuates soon to release some stress off you. Thinking about you.

      You are correct. It is the journey that counts for us all.

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