My awakening

Barbara, from me my magnificent self, invited me to participate in her ‘our awakening’ challenge. I have taken this as an opportunity for me to summarize the change in my thinking of me as half a couple (‘we’) and my transformation to ‘me’ after late-life divorce.

Awakening of the fire within me

The awakening of the fire within me

Twenty-eight months ago I found myself in the crisis of my marriage suddenly ending.

1. The Loss Of ‘WE’

I believed at the time, I had lost everything I had ever loved and cherished; my companion and soul mate, my intact family unit, stability, security, trust, truth, and my dreams for the future – it was all gone. I was thrown into a deepΒ grief process of mourning my losses with the resultant swirling emotions of shock, anger, yearning, and constant sadness. After some time, I came to an acknowledgement of what had happened, and I was able to let go of the emotional ties to my husband, of blame, resentment and the illusion of the happy-ever-after. I gradually disentangled myself from the coupledom that was.

I was, for a while, at peace with myself. I found a wondrous place of calm in rising to watch the sunrise each morning, walking, writing and living for the joys of each day. I revelled in seeing myself as an individual with my own thoughts, opinions, feelings and needs.

2. The Loss of ‘ME’

From that magnificent state of calm, I went through a period of deep self-reflection. I affirmed my own values, beliefs, attitudes, needs, wants, responsibilities and priorities. As I reflected on my life and inner being, slowly I came to realise that, although inside I was now a strong individual with affirmed core values and a belief that I could do whatever I wanted, in my practical world I was still living our life my way. I was not living my life my way.

I had an epiphany, a sudden realisation that I wanted to change. I wanted to become the real me and live my own life. However, that change would require me to cast off the practical remnants of my old life (home, business and community); and to let go of some parts of me; the old me, and my old roles. I spiralled downwards again, this time mourning the loss of who I had been and wondering who it was that I could become. I was in extreme distress and became inconsolable. I fell into an extended period of darkness and despair. I cocooned myself into a ball of nothingness.

Then I woke up.

3. My Awakening

Unlike the sudden earlier epiphany when I made the decision to change, my awakening to making change has been a gradual realisation of the fact that I have already begun to change. Even-so, this realisation has occurred after some profound confidence-building discoveries.

Firstly, I woke up to the fact of the truth of my marriage; that it had ended long before I thought it had. Behind that truth is the fact that what I thought I had, I didn’t have. That truth, whilst painful to accept, has set me free.

Secondly, I woke up to the fact that I am a worthwhile person and always have been. Any thought that I am not, is not spoken by my own voice. I will now only listen to my voice.

Thirdly, I woke up to the fact that I matter. What I have done and what I do is worthwhile.

Fourthly, I woke up with an energy change and clarity of purpose. I feel a fire within me. I have a vision forming of what my new life will be. Moreover, I have the clarity to decide what parts of my old life to hold on to and what to let go of. Letting go of those parts that do not serve me well is crucial to free space for my new life.

An awakening is simply that, waking up.
My real challenges of planning and living my dream lie ahead of me.

Yet, how exciting it is to awaken to the opportunity of a new dream, of a new beginning.

__________________________________________________________

Image courtesy[Photographic]/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

27 thoughts on “My awakening

  1. Elisabeth, this is simply wonderful… I feel your decisiveness to be worthwhile and matter… to be free with clarity to create your hearts desire… It is easy to look back and feel wonderful, but I do understand that it took much heartbreak and courage… IAM so please to feel your excitement for life now and YES awakening is simply waking up… Thankyou so much for sharing your most vulnerable self and here’s to discovering the rest of our adventure together…. Barbara

    • Yes there was much heartbreak in getting to a better place, and probably if the truth were known, a better place than I was before the marriage ended. Thanks for the opportunity to write this ‘awakening’, which was good for me as it summarized my journey and allowed me to realise how far I had come.

  2. Your always positive approach has been a positive encouragement for me when I feel that same despair you speak of…you handle your challenges with grace and dignity by only putting forth that which helps you to work towards a calm and self aware conclusion to a debilitating and potentially crushing circumstance. Keep fighting for YOU! πŸ™‚

    • Thanks for your positive comment. It means a lot to me to know that my writing means something to others and is of help. I LOVE the name of your blog and re-writing things from MY perspective has recently become one of my aims.

  3. You hit upon the crux of it! Those who can come to see it as a beginning do fine. Those who can’t get past the ending, remain stuck. So glad you have been able to cross that abyss.

    • You summarized that crucial step beautifully. And even if there are challenges ahead, they are challenges of the future (which I can change and therefore conquer), not regrets for the past (which I can’t).
      thanks

  4. Elizabeth, while reading this I was thinking what a privilege and honour it has been for me to witness these things in you. You have a real gift in remembering and summarizing the stages you’ve gone through. This, in part, is why I have always believed this blog could help others and this blog would make a great book! I know I’ve said it before, but thank you for sharing so deeply from such a personal place.
    Diana

    • It became an opportunity to summarize where I had been and it was quite uplifting to understand that I have come a long way. That is the therapeutic benefits of putting it all in writing. It makes you remember and forces you to feel and aids in a greater understanding. That others may also benefit is an unexpected bonus. However, it does make me feel that I am achieving something when others say they received something back from my writing.
      As ever, thanks for your constant support. I really do appreciate it and feel more and more that I really have come to know you. πŸ™‚

  5. This is really beautifully written and so heartfelt. There are so many layers to unravel after the radical transformation of a long term, deep love relationship. Thank you for sharing this personal story with us and congratulations on your new road ahead!

    xx litebeing

  6. πŸ™‚
    Hi there. It’s so warming to read about finding ones way back home. Home being the real self here. I’m so happy you found your home and as you say,it’s what’s ahead that matters.one day at a time. It’s difficult to unlearn stuff accumulated in almost forty decades, but not impossible. With patience,love and acceptance that it was not really as wonderful as we thought,we finally rise above and get away from the self imposed prison. So so glad you woke up πŸ™‚
    Very inspiring journey.

    • Thanks. Your comments are a comfort to me. I do agree that ‘home’ is my true self…that is my awakening, realising that my ‘transformation’ is into the me that was here all along. Yes, I am home.

  7. Nice reading about you

    Thanks for visiting my blog. Be in touch. Browse through the category sections, I feel you may find something of your interest.

    Happy New Year !!!!!!! and best wishes for you in 2014 πŸ™‚

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