About a year ago, after much soul-searching, I was emotionally in a place where I wanted to move on. I wanted to begin a course. I wanted to try something different. I wanted to move away. I wanted to begin my new life.
I couldn’t. I still had to finish off the marital settlement and run the business.
I became stationed in this horrible place of being here and wanting to be there.
Everything was overwhelming me and I was in deep pain.
At the time many friends, family and supporters assumed I was still suffering the end of my marriage, the leaving of me by my husband, its emotional effects, and my shattered self-esteem. Whilst those issues added to my pain, they were no longer the main problem. What I was experiencing was not something that I had to ‘get over’. It was something that I had to ‘get through’. The problem, and hence my misery, was all the legal and practical things that still had to be done surrounding the marital settlement. There was still all that mud to trudge through, before I could begin my life as I wanted it.
I yearned for a better life yet to ‘get through’ to that better life, I had to put that better life aside. I had to put aside my dreams. I had to stop writing poetry. I had to stop planning my future. I had to stop indulging in soul-searching. I had to face what needed to be done and devote my time to getting done what I had to get done.
Nevertheless I had been instilled, with a vision of a better life.
In some ways, the vision made things much more painful. Up until that point, I had clung onto the remnants of my old life. The relative uncomfortableness surrounding my marriage end had become tolerable. I had become used to feeling under-par rather than happy. I had become used to scattered grey clouds over my head. I would smile and carry on.
Once the vision of a better life had been planted in my head, that world I was in became a scary deep hole. There were no clouds to see. There was total darkness. It was the vision of a better place that made the world that I was in so painful and intolerable.
And yet …
It was the vision of me striding towards that better place that kept me going forward, that kept me trudging onwards through the mud, until I was through it on the other side.
which is where I am now –
- flitting from activity to activity unable to focus and not bothered that I can’t
- spending a lot of time faffing
- sorting out my own personal budget and knowing that it is all mine
- not planning
- watching drippy movies and not caring that I am wasting time
- feeling anxious (‘what on earth am I going to do with the rest of my life?’)
- feeling euphoric (‘I can choose to do whatever I want!’)
- back to my dreams of a wonderful future
- in a world of hope and happiness
- understanding there is still practical stuff to get done – and knowing it will be
- knowing, as in the quote above, I am heading towards ‘the good stuff’
Song: Jimmy Cliff version of the Johnny Nash hit ‘I can See Clearly Now’.