I started this blog, writing about transforming my life from ‘we’ to ‘me’ and surviving the pain of the collapse of my 37 year marriage that occurred suddenly through no choice of my own. I survived the first six months by living in today and enjoying the moments of a glorious summer, the beautiful sunrises that have beckoned me each day, the views to the valley, walks in the forests, listening to the birds, spending time with my family.
When that first summer ended, the days became shorter, the mornings colder and I could see the winter approaching; I began to wonder how I would survive the darkness, the cold, the grey skies and the impending gloom of winter. Then I thought to myself – ‘why?’ It is almost spring. With spring comes hope, the birth of new flowers, warm days again and blue, blue skies. Winter is simply the path one needs to take to get there. So I felt about my life situation. What would be achieved by wallowing in the depths of a winter of loneliness and despair? What would be the point of mourning the loss of the supposed sunny happy-ever-after ‘we’ that was gone? i decided Instead I could choose to move forward towards a bright new future as ‘me’. I resolved on that day it would be the start of my transformation, my 40 steps from ‘we’ to ‘me’, one step for each year of our time together. At the time, I did not know how long each step would take and I did not know what the steps would be but I did know that I would get there. I resolved to hold on to my own core beliefs, keep my dreams and not let what somebody else chose to do drag me down as a person. At that moment it was approaching winter; it was cold, dark, and despairing; and yet I could see that it was almost spring. My blog ‘almost spring’ began.
A forty year marriage is not something easy to let go of. It took me 40 steps to emotionally let go of ‘us’ as a couple and another 40 steps to find myself. Along the way I have been celebrating in life’s joys and gradually ridding myself of the layers of my old life that are no longer serving me a purpose. During the process I stripped myself down to my bare inner self, reaffirmed my values, beliefs, attitudes and responsibilities. This led me to having an epiphany underpinned by a realization that I was not living my life true to the inner me. I fell into despair again, grieving that loss of me, gradually awakening by hearing my own voice and seeing by my own eyes, with a resolve to transform my life and live authentically as the true me. I began taking responsibility for my own stability, protection, and emotional safety; and I acknowledged my own significance.
I then transitioned from my old world to my new world, holding on to those parts that I wanted to keep, and letting go of those that no longer served me any purpose. I was ready to move on.
Spring into Summer
Now, I am looking forward to a completely new life and am beginning to rebuild myself.
From what I initially thought was a catastrophe, I now realize was and is a wonderful opportunity to create and transform my life into something really outstanding.
I would never before have dreamed that was possible.
I feel optimistic and enthused about the new life I am creating.
I am determined to continue to find my voice and speak my truth.
This is my journey.