Since my marriage collapse, my home has been my sanctuary, a bedrock of certainty; providing me with strength, stability and comfort. I have written about my need for stability and the comfort my home provides here, here, here, here, here and here.
Some time ago I wrote that I was now ready to move and make a new life somewhere else. It is interesting that since I made that decision, my home no longer feels like home to me. In part, this growing negative feeling has been been due to the sorting of the business documents which was a mammoth task and quite distressing at times – with painful memories and negative feelings surfacing as I reviewed records and documents. Then Christmas came and went. It was wonderful to have all the family home. I was back in my element with my home and family my comfort. But now, with everyone else back in their own life, my mood has changed again and the desire to move is very strong.
Over the past three weeks I have been away, spending two weeks with my siblings sorting through my mother’s things and a week with my grand-children. As I drove home, I started to become anxious and, once inside, instead of the usual comforting ‘home at last’ feeling that I would normally get, I felt suddenly and dramatically quite down. There are a few factors at play here.
Firstly, having had three weeks with other family members, the aloneness hit me hard.
Secondly, while sorting through things of my mother (who was a hoarder) I had thoughts that I should have a proper sort through of all my own things before I move. With that thought in mind, when I returned home and looked around at what that would entail, I became overwhelmed at yet another mammoth ‘sorting’ project ahead of me. I knew that if I sorted to my own ‘must do everything meticulously’ standards, I would be here forever.
Thirdly, I have been craving quiet time. I wondered whether I would ever get to that place of peace and contentment.
Enough of all this negativity!
I am actually slowly moving forward and doing well at the moment. I am taking baby steps, baby steps across this bridge that I must traverse in order to get to my new life.
- I have organized a storage space for the business archives that need keeping for five years. I will be moving them out next week. That will be a load off my mind.
- I have put my house ‘unofficially’ on the market and will formalize this once the estate agent gets photos done etc.
- A friend of mine offered to help with some of the packing-my-house-up headache.
- In a few months, one of my sons and I are going on a bit of a road trip to Sydney.
- Mid-year, I will be spending more time with my siblings for the final sort of my mothers things.
- Later in the year, I am going to spend some time in Canada.
- I am getting excited about my new life around the corner and have been looking at houses and places I want to move to.
- I am feeling really fit and healthy and that is great!
Here I go!